A German's impression of America

by Philipp Schubert 

Okay, what did I expect?

Hamburgers and Pancakes, fat women in bikinis, good surf and lots of shark attacks.

But this trip turned out to be totally different:

We had Cheeseburgers and turkey, the skinny women wore no bikinis at all, the surf was not only good, it was incredible and I didn't even get a glimpse of these fucking sharks, what a pity!!

But how did this story begin?

I travelled Costa-Rica after staying in Panama for about 2 months. An old shortboard for about $50,- was quickly found and the first spot to go was Pavones, one of the longest lefthanders in the world. 

There I met Dave, Mike and Danny, who stayed next to me in some cabinas. After a few days of incredible surf, including the biggest waves I have ever ridden, these crazy Americans wanted to leave the place and I decided to join them, which was one of my brighter moments, when I look back to that.

We had a hell of a time, only Danny was kind of too American for me. But one day Dave's and Mike's holiday was over and we had to say good-bye. This was when I decided to meet these crazy guys again.

Mike invited me to the Hatteras trip in autumn and after a few mails I sat in the plane to New York, this capital of madness in the land of the free and the nuts.

Back to my expectations of your country and lifestyle:

I expected a little tent at the beach or that good old boardbag-hotel, what we got was something between castle and four-star-hotel. DVD-Player, elevator, two hot tubs, outside speakers and pool-billard are just some of the features in this awesome house.

This house seemed to be too good to be destroyed, but nobody really cared about this what destroyed another expectation of mine:

Americans are prudish, conservative and can't party compared to the Germen. This turned out to be totally wrong. 

I can say, that you American definitely understand, how to party and I will never call you prudish again, I promise, and all the nudies in the hot tub know why...

Other highlights of the parties: 

Somebody puked in the hot tub, the phone tried to escape in the dunes, the bookshelf transformed into a stage-diving-ramp and the elevator was not the last place for good sex.

Besides: back in Salisbury, I witnessed a very nice performance of cop-bondage, in Germany we normally ignore these pigs when they disturb our parties...

Now some words about the surf:

Kind of confusing to see the sunrise above the Atlantic Ocean, but after realizing the world's still turning the right direction, I got some pretty rides.

Can somebody kill that ass Kootman: he got all the fucking good waves and the longest rides, too. 

I definitely prefer sharing the waves with the girls: they have better butts, tighter suits and leave more waves for me.

Saturday at the lighthouse I'd have rather been windsurfing: there was strong wind and current and I nearly paddled my ass off while the windsurfers showed poor action in good conditions ("A kingdom for some windsurf-stuff !").

Sunday I was lucky to witness one of the most spectacular car-fights of recent history: Mike vs. Phil, Ford vs. VW, Pancakes vs. Baked Beans.

It was quite bare, but I think everybody would agree that Mike won this fight (due to the questionable use of biological weapons).

The girls in America. What should I say about them? 

They are for sure sexy and most of them very well built. Surfing is maybe not their best talent, but I heard many of them are quite good in other "jobs". 

And they were definitely a very pleasant company, I will remember for the rest of my life.

I could go on forever, but one must know, when to finish, so my last word will be:

I am totally down with all of you and I hope to see some of you again one day...

Your German Guy, 

Philipp